TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE*   *From the men who know you  too well to say it to your face

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. 

Don't ask us.  We refuse to answer. 

• Learn to work the toilet seat.  If it's up, put it down. 

• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 

• Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 

• I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?

• No, those pants do not make your butt look big. Your butt makes your butt look big.

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

• Sometimes we're not thinking about you.  Live with it.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 

• Sunday equals sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.  Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. 

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really! You have enough clothes.  You have too many shoes. 

• Crying is blackmail. 

• Ask for what you want.  Let's be clear on this one.  Subtle hints don't  work. Strong hints don't work.  Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it! 

• No, we don't know what day it is.  We never will.  Mark anniversaries on the calendar. 

• Peeing standing up is more difficult.  We're  bound to miss sometimes. 

• Most guys own three pairs of shoes.  What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of  thirty, would look good with your dress. 

• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girl friends are for. 

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor. 

• Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 

• Learn to check your own oil. 

• It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the magazine quiz together.  No,  it doesn't matter which quiz. 

 
• Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 

• ALL comments we have made are null and void in 7 days. 

• If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 

• Let us ogle women.  We're going to look anyway' -it's genetic. 

• You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both. 

• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

• Yes, we are able to watch more than one TV show at a time. That's what the remote control is for. 

• Men see in only 16 colors.  Peach is a fruit, not a color. 

• If it itches, it will be scratched. 

• If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

• I'll be sleeping on the couch if you need me.  (To take out the garbage or anything).

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